Idealistic or Realistic?

I have been unemployed since July. Since then, I have been more actively involved in my volunteering passion. Although I am happy with the learning experiences I gained from AI and World Vision, I know now that I prefer working more directly for a change instead of advocating for a change. However, in general, people don't associate volunteering with working as most volunteering work is unpaid. That's why I always feel uncomfortable when people asked "Mei Theng, have you found a job yet?". I always answered "I am working voluntarily for AI". Because I am. Yes, AI don't pay me. But where else would I be able to work in un-science related projects? I was involved in film-making, dealing with artistes in entertainment industry, exchanging ideas with other youth human rights activists in AP region, etc. No matter how short it was, every experiences was an exposure into an almost unknown world ...

Despite all these, the very people who are supportive of my work are now questioning whether will I ever be employed or not. Right now, I am 1/3 of an online biz. They don't take it seriously. I began to question it too. I have a vision ... but it will take some time for it to take off. Will they continue to support me in my vision? People said my head is always in the clouds. Don't they know that human beings don't have to be either realistic or idealistic? You can be both. I am such person. So please don't look at me as though I am sprouting nonsense. Give me the support I need for it to become true. I need more moral support than monetary. Don't let me fall into being the average person. I don't want to be average ...

I want to be more.

I am still a human. I have my faults. But I must continue to create opportunities for myself to contribute to the world in the way I want ... Just donating money no longer works for me. I need to be more involved. I desperately hope that the idea I have now will work out. And tell myself to breathe. And remind myself that there are many more days of my life left, so I won't rush into doing too many things at one time until I am exhausted of living.

Realistic Mei Theng & Idealistic Mei Theng are neither angel or devil but the 2 parts that makes Mei Theng who she is ... and I will embrace all of them.

Soulmates

I have just finished watching this Korean drama titled "Soulmate". The concept of soulmate was constantly on my head when I had my first love. Maybe I should said my first love when I was still a child. It could have been an influence from reading too much L. J. Smith's Nightworld series. I have always thought of my first love as my soulmate. It came from that dream or maybe it was a nightmare. After all, having a bomb dropped on you is not a pleasant thing to encounter. From then on, it was those moments when I would "feel" his presence. There are times I wondered how things would have changed if only at only 10 of age, I have answered that I liked him when he asked who I liked. Perhaps we wouldn't be so much of a stranger to each other now.

I think from the moment that we said that we can never be together as a couple was the moment when I am in this weird phase. The phase where I want love and yet I pushed love away. Because I have attached the tag soulmate to him, that moment caused me to think that I have lost my soulmate in this life already.

Watching movies on the theme of soulmate always make me uncomfortable. I would remember things I thought had long disappeared from my memory. I would remember the disapproval from someone close. Sounds all so sad, isn't it? There are happy memories too. As we were young, we played many family games. I remembered that night under the stars. I will always remember that, no matter where I go and who I am with.

Whether I have lost my soulmate or not, I hope to find that person again and meet happiness instead of heartbreak ...

Mom's OK now =)

(Should have posted this long time ago. )

My mom went for hysterectomy to remove her cervix and uterus. Uterus was removed as a pre-caution measure. The surgery was supposed to take 2 hours but as the doctor later find out, my mom being slightly plump (actually his words were "your mother is so fat!", mentioned several over 2 days LOL) needed at least 4 hours to complete the surgery. Initially me and Mei Yee wanted to go into the operating theathre to observe the surgery but the operation theathre manager wouldn't allow us in because of the hospital's policy. Oh well ... anyway, the doctor actually kept the removed cervix and uterus in a container with formalin to show my mom the next day. Throughout the night, that container was in the room with us but we didn't know the contents. Have we known early, we would have taken lots of pictures. LOL ... I am so glad she discovered this early ...

Parents + Hospital

Frankly, parents and hospital are not a good mix to the child of the parents. Yesterday, my mom was admitted to Gleneagles Intan for a surgery to remove lumps in her breast and also to do a biopsy on her cervix. What happened was when she went for her pap smear test and breast examination about 2 weeks ago with her group of friends. I feel so lucky for my mom because without someone within that group who suggested the examinations (I think it was Aunty Ah Mi), none of them would have bothered to go.

So, on that day itself, the doc said there were small lumps, less than 1cm, in her right breast. From the ultrasound and mammogram, the lumps were diagnosed as benign. Doc said it is all right if these lumps were not removed. But my sister and me thinks it is better for mom if they are gone. After all, benign lumps can turn into malignant. Then, later, her pap smear showed cells from her cervix looked like cells before they turn cancerous. So a biopsy needs to be done immediately to confirm the status.

I think it was very brave of my mom. My mom is a person who is afraid of pain. Yea, she gave birth to my sister naturally, which, well, was painful. At least she was still willing to go for surgery. I have a close aunt who refuses to go for body check-up because she is afraid of the results. Sigh ... even her daughters couldn't convince her to do otherwise. All I know was when I went to see my mom in the sterile area near the operating theatre, she was groggy from the anaesthesia and was clearly in pain because my sister who visited her before me said the nurse has given her painkillers. In that area, only 1 person can go at 1 time. Looking at her then with all these machines around her and knowing that she did not realised that I was there, I felt proud of her.

Today, before mom was discharged from hospital, nurse showed us the tissue samples taken from her cervix and the lumps from the breast. Frankly, the lumps looked larger than 1cm. Now, we have to wait another week before we know for sure if the breast's lumps and cervical cells are malignant or not. I pray, I pray and I pray that cancer does not come to my mom because I don't want her to go through the pain of chemotherapy.

*LET MY MOM BE SAFE AND HEALTHY*

We Did It!

Today we helped to raise more than RM10k for the victims of Sichuan earthquake and Myanmar cyclone disasters with many other Good Samaritans of Bandar Country Homes (BCH). Felicitations! Congratulations!

Actually I was roped in by my mom to help her and her friends who took part in this fundraising event. Together, we sold cakes, cheese tarts, and "kuih". The cakes and tarts were bought from another person, while the "kuih" (if I am not mistaken, the "kuih" are known as "kuih angku") were made by Aunt Ying, one of my mom's very close friends.

Frankly, I was there for more of my "physical strength" than my "selling skill". LOL ... Luckily Jho Yan was there. Hehe ... she was the salesperson while I carried the cakes and tarts in a small box. We did 2 rounds selling inside the BCH market (the event was held outside the market; it was Jho Yan's idea of taking some cakes and tarts to sell in the market itself) and we managed to achieve a sale of around RM200+.

Thanks Jho Yan!

Have to thank MOM too, for providing me with an opportunity to do some charity work and toned my arms. Hehe ...

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I passed my FRENCH Basic User 1!!! with a mark of 63% ... Really need to work on my listening .. Only managed to get 8 out of ... 25! Sigh ... Anyway, will be going on to the next level in the July.

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Friday 27 June 2008 will be my last day physically at work ... if my boss agreed to it ... cos I need more time, perhaps 2 weeks, to complete my reports on 5 species of mushrooms. And when I am writing the reports, there is no need for me to be at Tg Sepat. YAHOO!!! But I will definitely go back there to hand-in the reports and also to say my goodbyes.

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MEI YEE! GANBATTE! JIA YOU! BONNE CHANCE!!!

JE NE PEUX PAS ATTENDRE POUR TON RETOUR!!!

(Direct translation: I can't wait for your return!)

Toni Kasim

Today I learnt that a great woman had passed away. Toni Kasim was a woman who inspired me in the field of being a women's rights activist. When I first met her in 2003, she was my trainer for AI's gender training workshop. I was then a person who sided with women so much that I have forgotten about the similarity of behaviours between men and women. I enjoyed talking to her about women's issues and religion. I remembered once I went to the training session after reading a news that the attorney general or some lawyers said that rape victims could not give very small details about the rape which affects the trials. It was something that discriminated rape victims. When I told Toni, she said that rape victims are so traumatised that the first thing they do after the incident would not be looking at the time to record it. She further added that it is important to train lawyers and attorney general to understand these. After the training, I worked with her to organise a gender training workshop at ADP during my 2nd year there. Once I went off to Uni, I did not keep in contact with her. The last time I saw her was during the farewell-cum-welcome party for Josef and Shannon, held at the old AI office last Sept.

Although we weren't close, I did think of her often especially when I am thinking about organising workshops on women's issues. I never thought she would leave so ... sudden. It was through facebook that I know of her funeral today. Then I read this blog piece. http://www.kakiseni.com/blog/?p=280 It said that she had liver cancer and was supposed to live until the end of this year. Sadly ...

I think, despite that Toni only lived for 41 years, she had touched many people in their hearts along her way through life.

Toni, you won't be forgotten by me ...

Expectations

Can we live without expectations?

I think expectations is a double-edged sword.

Having expectations is akin to giving oneself glimpse of hope. Yet it could also bring disappointment.

Having expectations can motivate one to work harder for their future. Yet it could also bring stress that leads to health problems.

What expectations do I have in various aspects of my life?

Education: I know that my current status is not a student anymore. But I understand how having expectations have positive and negative effects on myself and my studies. Definitely when I was studying in the uni, I have expectations for myself to perform well in all my units of study. This expectation made me put in more efforts into my practical and theory works. But along with this expectation to perform, comes fear of failing. This feeling was strongest when I was in my final semester. Oh well, in the end, I still managed to obtain my degree. I am glad I have been through this phase of life before because I need this experience to truly understand what Mei Yee is feeling throughtout her studies so that I can truly give her support and counsel. Of course, the degree of the effects of this expectation is different for both of us but the basic similarity is there.

Career: I do not want to work just for money. Full stop. I want a job that is fulfilling and meaningful. Money is not my motivator for career advancement. Sure, I know money is important for survival but that doesn't mean I cannot seek for a job that is meaningful yet pay me well. By meaningful job, I mean, jobs that allow me to contribute actively to the societal causes that I care about. I realised that sometimes money is not the only way to help people. And it will take a long time before I would have enough money to help the world. I am not Bill Gates or Einstein. So the only way I can help the world is by doing research that could help people. This is why I choose research as my career path. A lot to expect from my career, which makes me unsatisfied with my current job.

Friends: Does the degree of closeness between friends allow one to have expectation from each other? I do know that there are a few friends whom I considered to be very close to me, whom I will rush to be by their side when they need me or are in trouble. Well, only if location is not a problem. When I was in Perth, during the time when Carina really needs a friend by her side, I wish I was by her side. But I can't, so I have to be content with lending her a readily available listening ear. Now that I am 'permanently' back home, and Jho Yan is really my closest friends here and whom I am really comfortable with, I have been spending most weekends with her. In a way, because I am close to her, I sometimes make my weekend plans, expecting her to be free and available. There are certain friends, especially those who are not from the same place I am from, such as my friends from the uni days, whom I expect to hear from them often, maybe cos when we parted, we said we will keep in touch. When I don't hear from them, I wondered if they have forgotten me, if I have done something bad to them that they don't want to keep in touch anymore, or simply the fact that the 'closeness' we had when we were in the same area did not survive the distance.

Family: With family members I am not close with, everytime I see them maybe for weddings and CNY, I expect by the next coming year or the next time I see them, I would be able to find common grounds with them so that we can have decent conversations instead of silence. With family members that I am very close with and respect, I hope my actions is what they expected from me as they know me since the day I was born. Perhaps this expectation I think they have about me is just an illusion. Perhaps it is just that I have presumptions about them that make me think twice before discussing anything with them. Anyway, it is good that I managed to talk to them about a few issues and found that they do not think badly of me.

I am not sure if I have covered what I set out to write today. Maybe I will visit this topic again.